It has been brought to my attention that I should continue what I started, this blog.  It appears that I have readers who would appreciate it if I were to write something now and then.  To those readers I offer no excuse but do apologize for the lack of attention.

I attended an event last week where I was able to connect to many people, listen to some good music, see some great art, and participate other activities.  I volunteer as a peace keeper, not security or law enforcement rather we help people along the way with conflict resolution, medical needs, perhaps they took a bit too much of this or that, and provide some other services to make the event a success.  I absolutely went to work and also have fun, I accomplished much of both.

As I had been approached to once again pick up writing this blog and was at an event where ideas flow freely I decided to allow the event to drive my next topic.

My life has had some challenges, ones I would not wish on others and ones I was lucky to survive.  Traumatic repercussions resulted from those times in my life and I have spent years putting the pieces of my life together.   Within those times and situations I did what it took to survive and unlike others I did survive, physically.  I have been through many phases of recovery and healing for the last 30+ years of my life peeling away one layer at a time and coming to terms with the things I have done.  Coming to terms is neither forgiveness nor acceptance it was more or less remembering and dealing with the memories to a point where I could function in life without hurting myself or others.

I had not planned to work on any of that this weekend; in fact I have not really focused on any of that for some years.  I began the weekend feeling sort of distant from people as I normally do, keeping distant allows me to exist with these fine people and not infect them with my inner pain.  It was soon obvious that was not going to work.  I have been working on a lot of areas of my life over the last few years, getting it in balance financially and in many other ways.  I have honed friendships with people and found that I have love for them and strangely they said they had love for me as well.  I did not truly accept that love, how could they love me with all that I have done?

I would keep my distance and inwardly know (important use of the word) that if they really knew me they would be disgusted, fearful and would put distance between us, more than I would normally.  Others have done so; this is not just me making things up.  Perhaps people would not physically run and hide but would put physical distance, walk on egg shells and it would be obvious, so to protect myself I would put the distance between us and have not shared much of my violent past with others.  Those who I have shared with I have not shared details and I never will, no need once you get the general idea.

I have known this community of people for over 10 years, attended events, played some hand drums, shared my thoughts on life, given advice and volunteered with some projects.  As my life became more stable I was contributing more to the community and meeting more people.  People I had to hide my real self from to fit in and be tolerated if not really accepted.  In my mind I was not accepted because they did not know me, I did not accept myself so how could they?   This had worked in the past to a point, while not fulfilling it allowed me to have contact with people without them knowing my secrets.  What I shared with people was real but I kept a wall in place at all times to protect them from me and my past.  How could these beautiful, creative, loving, peaceful people understand and accept what I have done?

Years progressed to the current time and I continued to build these friendships.  Some along the way were trusted more than others and some of my secrets were shared.  Again I never shared details and no one knew what my role was or how awful my acts.  I hated myself for much of my life, have been depressed for years and have only recently begun to find peace.  I worked hard to get through the various this and that’s of life as I pieced my life together and in the last couple of years I found a new feeling creeping into my being.  It was the feeling of NOT being depressed; peace is what I believe the cool kids call that.  I think the release of the depression was due to the hard work I have done, the change in my diet and exercise and from the input from people around me.

While at the event I noted that people often told me they loved me and actually wanted to hang with me etc.  I went about the event and then one night when readying myself for bed I had a thought.

I have always said “If they really knew me they would not love me, they would be afraid of me and go away”

What if they really knew me?

WHAT IF….  WHAT IF THEY DO REALLY KNOW ME?

What if the person they love is the real me?

What if the person who I was to get to this place was not the real me?

What if I have finally found the real me?

WHAT IF indeed?  I analyzed this for some time while pretending to try to get sleep.  I then did something strange, I started to cry.  I could not stop and since I was alone in my tent, no one could hear me and I thought it a good release so I continued to allow it to happen.  This went on for three hours (and would be repeated later in the event) relentlessly.

I have cried over these things in the past but those were tears of trauma and fear.  Somehow this was different the tears were not born of fear but in a strange way (strange to me) they seemed to come from a place of peace.  These were not tears based on the memories of my past, I actually believe I have remembered all there is or at least enough to move forward, this was different.  I was not having a flashback those too are old hat by now, no need for them.  I was having a “moment” and then I heard a voice.  OK not like a voice from heaven or anything such as that, this was subtle, firm and of authority and I have heard her voice before.  The voice said or the thought transmitted, “It is time to find acceptance.”  The tears turned up 500% at this time.

My initial reaction was, I know that acceptance leads to forgiveness and I want no part of forgiveness.  I have earned not part of that, I cannot and should not be forgiven.  The voice came back.  “It is time to find acceptance, if there will be a time for forgiveness it will come later.   Now is the time to find acceptance.”   The thoughts were rolling around faster than a hamster wheel in my head.  So what did I do, I cried for another hour.

Did I mention that I had just finished working a double shift was tired as heck and had more shifts to work, I needed to get some sleep not sit around crying about things that happened decades ago?  VOICE:  “You must accept your true nature and to do that you must see it”  more voice, “To see your nature you must accept all that you are, all you have done, all you have felt, you must accept who you are.”

There was a flood of images, thoughts and emotions like years of activities flashing past my head in just nanoseconds.  It was not like a flashback where I was seeing one event through my eyes; it was more as if I was seeing my life through the eyes of another.  I did see the horrible things I participated in as a child, young adult and finally as an adult.  I also saw other things, things I have done to help people over the decades.  Most I had not remembered others I had discounted and some I had not really seen from the perspective I was now able to.  “This is how others see you” that damn voice again.  The tears were now flowing faster than the thoughts and that hamster died of exhaustion and the wheel broken into pieces a long time ago.

I lay there for hours and never actually got sleep.  I felt sort of embarrassed and wanted to talk to someone about my experience but could not do so.  I could not bring myself to show that vulnerable side of myself.  I worked another shift did other things for the day, laughed, had fun but still had a void in the back of my head.  I had managed to tuck it all in and make it through another day, surely this time I would be able to get some sleep.  NOT.  It all started over again and then the voice came again.

“You are here in this place surrounded by people who you trust and love, who love you, you are safe, they have nothing to fear from you, this is your time, this is your place, use it” that voice is the reason I survived, without her advice I would not have made it but I must admit that at times she gets on my nerves.  OK so now I get the idea, I cannot do this alone, FUCK!  I lay there again tossing and turning and avoiding what was all too obvious to me, I needed help from an outside person, a friend.  I am used to being the one to provide support not the one who needs it.  EGO

I had been sharing much of my time at the event with a good friend who I was discovering more about as we hung out.  I have known her for years and she knows some of my past, not details but she knows.  She is one of the very few who know of my big secret and has not changed her attitude or approach with me at all.  Others do so when they find out this or that about me, they walk on egg shells at times or with topics THEY think will trigger me (I know what will and will not trigger me and they usually are not correct), they try to protect me too much etc.  Not a bad thing but they do behave differently and it does not really help, actually makes me feel apart.  This friend is one of the few who has not done that and beyond that she is a wise woman who I love and trust.

She too was volunteering and participating in activities and I had to wait until almost the last day to approach her with my plan.   She and I created a ceremony.  One of the camps had built a Labyrinth having an altar at the center and I decided to use that symbolically to start my new journey to acceptance.  My friend, being quite a wise person, gave me the idea to write down the things I could not accept and carry those as my burden to the altar where I would pray while she burnt the writing.  She too wrote her own offering to burn along with mine.  She walked the Labyrinth to the center and sat, then as I walked it and got in touch with the person I was when the issues initially arose, my younger self.  I will not go into the exact process which took place which again fit a lifetime into nanoseconds.  I will say that being there in that place, with the peace around me, the altar accepting me and my friend protecting me I was able to release my vulnerability for a short time while she burnt the writings.  While released I could connect with much more of self, the universe etc.  Not as some big movie production, far more subtle and furry.

There was no lifting of guilt or anything such as that, no bolt of lightning or burst of thunder.  The voice again, “This is the beginning of a process; you are on your way.”  I love that voice.

The only real difference I have noticed since the experience is that now when I think about an aspect of myself which I am not proud of which I have held on to beyond its use, I think to myself, “I accept that about myself”  and for some reason I feel better after doing that.  It is not as I am trying to believe it, I say it as if it has already happened and all I am doing is reminding me it has happened.  Like I have already accepted myself and only now need a reminder.

Now, I know that when one peals away another layer of an old onion that it takes time on this level to adjust so I don’t claim a cure, I don’t claim a miracle, I claim my right to overcome and to thrive and I accept that I am flawed with voids to fill but know it can be done.  I take this next path with gratitude for my friends, especially Jamie who helped me through this and much more.

By now you are most likely thinking the topic of this blog is about ACCEPTANCE, it is not.  I don’t know enough about acceptance to write about it.  The topic of this blog is was LOVE.  LOVE brought out what I needed Love is the answer.

WHAT IS LOVE?  That is the next topic, another I know only a little about, so stay tuned.